I don't feel like me.
I look back on recent events, and I feel like someone else has been living my life, lately. I'm not sure I like her very much.
I've always roller coasted between extremely productive highs and self-destructive lows. A couple of years or so ago, I accepted this about myself and made a decision to do something about it.
I won't say it's been easy, but I was improving. I've worked hard. Some people may not realize how hard I was working because I've had to refuse certain opportunities. I was busy with 'behind the scenes' work, much of which I kept to myself. It's been a struggle. However, it's been worth it. I could see progress being made, slowly but surely, and at the beginning of this year I started trying to improve more than just my psychological health. I really felt ready to get my life back on track, and I started making plans and taking actions to do so.
Lately, though, things have been different. I don't really know how to describe it.
It's not a 'low' as I traditionally have experienced them. Or at least, not what /I/ mean when I say I'm on a 'downswing'. I don't know if you could call it depression. It's not pessimism. It's not really an emotion at all, so much as an absence of emotion. It's like a vacuum has opened up somewhere in my brain and I can't quite figure out how to fill it with air again.
One part of my brain tells me that if I don't get that article in or get that project done or go hunting for another part-time job, I won't be able to pay whatever bill or buy groceries, etc... But the part of my brain that's in control just goes, 'Meh. Whatever.' The scariest part about this is that I catch myself doing this when there are some pretty serious consequences for it, that I /should/ care about.
It's been affecting my work ethic more and more, and by degrees, I feel like I'm losing myself. I've experienced this before, but only in short spells. It's rarely affected the quality of my work to the degree that it is affecting it now. (The worst that I can remember was a poorly written article for Wendy Lee, and she let/made me rewrite it.)
Today, I'm a bit distressed to see how little I've accomplished lately, but I'm scared that by tomorrow I may fall right back into the same apathy.
How does one work to overcome a lack of desire to work at /anything/?
I've rewritten this article more times than I can count, and it still feels like hollow whining. I don't know if my perception is screwy or it really is that way, but regardless, I've got to figure out a way to recharge my willpower and desire to climb out of this hole.