Monday, November 29, 2010

How to Succeed in Life

Step 1:
When you are in high school, absolutely do not think about college. College is scary, okay! And hard! You don’t want to ruin your high school experience with that crap. That stuff will all work itself out, anyhow, so worrying about it isn’t going to do you any good.

Step 2:
You absolutely must, however, go to college after graduating high school. Do not pass go, do not college $200. Don’t know what you want to do with yourself, yet? That’s okay! You can totally fuck around for two years taking “basics” while you figure yourself out. It certainly won’t prolong your time in college or run up your tuition bills.

Step 3:
Do not get a job in college. That will only eat up all your free time, and college is all about goofing off with your friends on the weekend! Honestly, it’s best if you can pay with lots and lots of student loans and maybe grants if you don’t have to work too hard for them. Student loans are kind of like free money, so don’t bother paying on them while you’re still in school, either. Those tools who talk about interest accumulating are just trying to ruin all your fun.

Step 4:
Find out there’s a limit on student loans. I know! It’s so unfair! But any successful person must learn to overcome life’s little obstacles, so now it’s time to finish up that degree as quickly as possible. Still don’t know what to major in? That’s okay! It doesn’t really matter what you major in, so long as you get that degree. Just pick up a couple of courses and register a major in South American Basketweaving or possibly Homemaking, and you’re good to go!

Step 5:
Graduate with that degree in Basketweaving or possibly Homemaking, but do absolutely the minimum to get it. Don’t bother going to lectures given by professionals outside of class, or joining student organizations, or getting to know your professors. That just creates more work for you, and the key to a successful life is to learn to get away with doing a little work as possible. For that matter, don’t worry about trying to get an eventual job. That stuff will work itself out, man! Remember how great that worked out for you in high school?

Step 6:
Get married. This is very important. You absolutely must get married to succeed in life, because this is the goal of all young people! Preferably, get married to someone of the opposite sex, because the only point in getting married is having lots of babies, even if you don’t really love and aren’t attracted to your spouse. The key is the babies, trust me. Also preferably have those babies while you are still in college.

Step 7:
Don’t ever put anything into savings. If you eventually end up with a real job because you haven’t been listening to me, and it offers a benefits package for retirement, contribute as little as possible to that sucker. You’ll thank me later, when you’ve got plenty of money to goof off with on the weekends!

Step 8:
Graduate from college. Now is the time to start looking for a job (but not until after that sweet graduation party). You may find it’s a little difficult to get a job, but that’s okay! Don’t worry about it! The economy sucks, and most college students aren’t getting jobs right out of school anyhow, so it’s to be expected. Just keep submitting a resume every couple of months, and eventually someone is bound to hire you, right? (Bonus points if you slapped the resume together based on a template you found on Google with as little effort possible. You’re catching on!)

Step 9:
Move back in with your parents. Bring your wife/husband and kids. (You do have kids, right? Because if you don’t have kids by now, you’re a Failure at Life.) Your parents won’t mind at all, and it will help tide you over until the economy recovers, you get a job, or reach retirement age. Don’t help out around the house at all, though. Helping out around the house is not part of a Successful Life.

Step 10:
Spend lots of time on social networking sites, and justify it as part of your “job search.” Bonus points if you also are on LinkedIn with no actual contacts.

Step 11:
Never think for yourself. Ever. This is the most important part of a successful life. You must listen to everything that They say, or you will never be successful, okay? I can’t emphasize this enough. Absolutely. Never. Use. Your. Brain. Probably other people have already thought up all the good thoughts, anyhow.

Step 12:

Step 13:
Retire early. All the most awesome people retire early.

Step 14:
Congratulate yourself on a successful life.

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