Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Never lose your keys in the park

I don't know if my life is any more interesting than the average person's. However, I do know that I enjoy telling stories about the strange things that I encounter on a daily basis. Or perhaps it's just that I am so ridiculous that I manage to turn the smallest life events into a huge production. I don't know! Some people find them entertaining. Maybe you will, too.

The first example that comes to mind involves one of my many walks in the park. Most people know better than to walk in the park close to dark, and I am no exception. However, I had several hours before dark, and it seemed safe enough to venture out.

After parking my car, I hit the walking trail. In those days, I was unaware that carrying an inordinate amount of keys around on your key chain was bad for your car, so I pretty much walked around like a janitor. While this is not particularly annoying if you can tuck them away in a backpack, it is extremely irritating to be followed by a clatter of car keys with every step. I just wanted to enjoy a peaceful afternoon in the woods.

I had no proper pockets. Hauling a backpack around the forest seemed like overkill. Hauling a purse around seemed like asking to get mugged.

The logical solution would have been to take the car key off of the key ring, leave most of the keys in the car, and tuck the one key into a bra or something.

I'm not a very logical person sometimes. Plus, I was in the middle of the forest (insofar as this park can be considered a forest) when I realized the problem. Not wanting to hike all the way back to my car, I got the bright idea that I would tuck my keys into a hole in a stone fence near the path and come back to them later.

This turned out to be a very bad idea, but not for the reasons you are thinking.

So I continued on my walk through the park over the next hour or so, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

On the return trip, I swung by the path where I had carefully left my keys. Since I was clever(?) I had marked them in a way that only I could recognize.

This would have worked out beautifully, if it weren't for the couple making out on the path right next to where I had hidden my keys.

It wasn't just any couple, either. It was the largest woman I think I have ever seen in my life, and a skinny, short little man. Both were half naked.

I was not enthusiastic about the idea of interrupting their little make-out session to ask for my keys back. "Excuse me, sir? Ma'am? If you can just put your shirt back on for a brief moment, I can find my keys and just be out of your hair..."

I turned around and headed back up the path. I would just have to extend my relaxing walk until they finished with their little adventure in the park. No big deal!

I circled back to check on them. This time I was careful not to get close enough to see details. They were still going at it. In fact, they were still going at it as the sun was setting.

Now, this was pre-cell phone. (You'd be surprised how many hilarious disasters can be averted by this small bit of technology) So of course I had only two options: Walk home, or interrupt the make-out session to ask for my keys.

I was 3/4 of the way home when I realized that my apartment keys were also on that key ring.

Luckily, I had a friend who lived in the same apartment complex as me. Also luckily, she was home.

Let me tell you, you haven't lived until you have to explain to a good friend that you are showing up at her door unannounced to ask for a ride to the park to pick up your car, because you had to walk home to avoid being in the park after dark, due to the large woman and tiny man who were making out on top of your keys.